Starting is the hard part right? No, actually probably not for me. It's continuing that always gets me. I'm a great starter. Always have been. I can start a sport or a book or a hobby and right away I jump out in front of a lot of other beginners. Sadly, it doesn't last long. My husband, G., once looked at me and said "for taking 20 years of tennis lessons, you're really not that good." Kind of me in a nutshell. I loved the going to buy books and notebooks part of college. I love the researching paint colors part of painting. The actually doing is never as much fun. It's a wonder I ever got through to the writing part of this blog. In keeping with my personality, it was much more likely that I'd spend my time refining the look.
This part of my personality makes this mom thing kind of scary. There is no putting it away in a closet and wishing you hadn't spent every dime of your paycheck buying interesting yarn for your novice knitting project. This is forever. Even if one of us goes, we'll always be mom and daughter.
I'm a fairly new mom - my adorable daughter is almost 18 months. I stay at home with her, but work on various things for my husband. Actually, a lot of the time, I'm his internet slave. "Can you research this or find this for me?" That's fine, but sometimes I'm in the middle of something - like trying to figure out why there have been almost no pictures of Jennifer Garner since she had the baby. Important stuff and he thinks I can just creak by my sleeping baby to get him important information! If I wake her, fun time for mommy is over! Call the 800 number to find a DHL drop-off for god's sake, I'm busy! Of course, I just say that silently or now I write it here and hope he never gets technologically advanced enough to find this spot.
I like staying at home with my daughter. It turns out I wasn't that good at working. I had a great job. I made alot of money (at least I thought so). The problem is that once the internet became accessible to me, I just couldn't get anything done. If you know much about A.D.D., you may have heard the term hyperfocus. I can do that and then some. Once I get on to something, I'm like a pit bull. Some mornings, I wake up and think, why did I spend until 2 in the morning looking at wooden cutouts of flowers and birds to decorate the playroom? Up until the internet came along, I was pretty responsible - sure I veered off, but how much was there to do in an office. I had to work.
So, here I am. The 38 year old mother of an 18 month old daughter. All the relationships in my life are sort of viewed through that prism - a ama (advanced maternal age), ADD, Chicago mom of what will most likely be an only child. It's not that others see me that way. It's just sort of how I look at life. It's definitely not the life I thought I'd have, but more on that in future postings.
For now, I just have to be happy I've started writing . . .