My sister's husband's (so, my brother-in-law) father died last week. Friday was the funeral and since he's Jewish, a Shiva followed and continued Saturday and Sunday. His father had pancreatic cancer and actually lived fairly comfortably much longer than anyone expected. He was diagnosed almost two years ago. It's a happy/sad when it happens like that - he did well for so long that it seemed like he could keep beating it, but at least everyone had time to say and do everything they wanted.
I haven't been to many funerals or burials. It was very sad, but also parts were just so strange - well mainly the burial. It took place in a huge cemetary just outside of Chicago. Throughout the burial service, a group of men in work clothes stood in the background because they were the ones that had to lower him into the ground. The contraption that they used to lower him looked like something out of a scary, science fiction movie. It was just such a strange juxtaposition. On the one side, there were the mourners going through something very personal and intimate. On the other, was cold, steel machinery and cemetary workers who saw it as just another part of the job.
It was a very nice service. Funerals, weddings, baby showers, they all make me reflect on my life. It's funny because it's only recently that I realized that it would be harder for me to lose Daddy-O than anyone else (besides Sweet Pea - she's not even in the same ballpark). I am so close to my mom and sister that they've always kind of trumped everyone else.
The sad thing is that even though my dad was there on Friday, I never really thought about losing him. You'd think I would since it was my brother-in-law's dad, but it was only after it was over that I realized I hadn't thought about him.
I'm not very close with my dad. I think he would say we are which makes me sad. My parents were separated when we were pretty young. I was in second grade. My dad met my step-mother when my sister was just a year old. So let's just say, he wasn't super involved with us. He tries now, but he's a pretty selfish person and doesn't really treat us like adults. He expects every one to drop everything the second he decides to visit. For some reason, I just don't feel like I want to expend a ton of energy trying to make things great. It's not that we don't get along, there just isn't a lot of closeness.
It seems like a lot of children of divorce that I know only stay close to one parent. My parents stayed friends after the divorce. They still have a group of friends in common, so they even see each other socially sometimes. I talk to my mom all the time and she knows most of my problems. I can't even imagine talking to my dad about anything other than surface stuff - kids, weather, what's going on in my hometown.
I hope I don't regret not working hard on our relationship. I just don't know that it would make much of a difference and as sad as that makes me, I need to spend time in my life on my most important relationships.
The only thing that gives me pause is thinking that I might be setting a bad example for Sweet Pea. I want her to be able to tell Daddy-O anything and to feel as close to him as she does to me.
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